the incel insult..how the term incel is being used online now
the label and why it does and doesn't matter
Shakespeare once wrote, ‘What’s in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet’. And this quote, which is actually really good and idealistic, was spoken by Romeo, the sweet boy who tried to push back against his society for love and died the next week.
The premise of this quote is to say that basically words, labels, names should have no ties, that we shouldn’t worry about them, that it’s the essence of something or someone that matters most and it’s true, it’s right, but the thing is that this only works when we’re in our idealistic minds, because we live in a world where we all communicate through language and how we use language and what words we say matters a lot. Language and how we phrase things, how we label things and how we understand those labels helps shape our view on those things. It also helps shape how we view ourselves and others, how we identify and how we show up in the world. We label ourselves all the time, with our names, our genders, our nationalities, our ethnicity, our jobs, sometimes our position in our families, our associations with people and sometimes our interests (ie ‘im an emo, book lover, hiker, biker, ufologist softboi (lol imagine if anyone ever actually self refers as that)). How we label ourselves, if that’s what we do, and how others label us can directly connect, if you say you’re a drummer of the to someone, they will probably maybe refer to you as a drummer when they talk about you. It’s all pretty simple…. until it’s not.
The term incel hasn’t been around too long really but in its short life, it’s gained some serious traction. The thing about the term is that while it might be known more generally now than ever before, that doesn’t actually mean people truly get it and may use it in lieu of several other words like ‘misogynist’, ‘weird’, ‘angry young man’ etc. Most people wouldn’t know the genesis, they wouldn’t know the whole ins and outs of the culture, they wouldn’t get why people would refer to themselves as incel. Incel culture is still very much niche and while it seems like a simple one to get, it’s not actually so simple.
Sexual Based Insults
Sexual based insults have been around throughout time, with even the ancients tossing them out from time to time which are now immortalized in graffiti and plays for us to tehe to. Sexual based insults have also long been a source of real problems, especially for women, who’ve had more than their fair share directed at them (slut, whore, thot, c*nt) which have been used to shut down, silence and sometimes even direct real harm towards. Historically, women have been shamed for their sexuality in relation to their sexual behaviour, having ‘too many’ sexual partners as a woman has been the real go to really get at a woman and cause real reputional or physical damage. On the flip-side, sexual insults based around men have had a lessened effect, ‘dick’, ‘pussy’, ‘f*g’ and ‘virgin’ being the main ones, but they have also been used to put down and stop men from acting in ways that are deemed socially deviant or unacceptable too. Mostly in the form of shaming them from breaking away from hegemonic masculinity. Sexual insults geared towards guys have been used in schools, militaries, sports clubs and other male dominated spaces by mostly younger men to basically bully each other into line. The aim has been to approximate Chad like masculinity, to not be seen as in any way womanly because, the shame. Other non sexual based insults geared towards guys also play that role, ie ‘coward’, ‘loser’ and until recently, ‘nerd’. While men have been luckier than women to escape most of the worst forms of damage from being labelled as a thing (ie getting burned at the stake, killed, abused, physically attacked, put in an asylum or institution, shunned), there have been lots of times where guys have also been seriously harmed through being labelled or insulted. Gay men for instance have been shunned, ostracized and murdered after accusations against their manhood and sexuality are made. Straight men who have had issues fitting into the perfect square pigeon hole of ‘man’ have also suffered, especially younger guys, and this kind of bullying has led to many young guys’ depression and may have even led at times to more serious harm. Understanding that labels, terms and accusations of the kind that relates to sexuality and gender can lead to some serious damage is something we’re finally all getting now, which maybe to those who’ve never had the experience of being called something like this would feel it’s all annoying and wokeness gone too far, but actually, it’s a good thing though.
What is ‘incel’?
One way to describe the term and how people who self describe as incel can get lost in the crossfire of misunderstanding around it is to think of it like a cake. The first ingredient put in is the bare essential, ‘feeling lonely and also having problems with general socializing and dating’. That gets put in and all incels relate (this is the prerequisite). Then the next ingredient is, ‘feeling ugly/unlovable/awkward/weird’ and that gets thrown in and mostly all incels relate to this too. Then the next ingredient could be ‘blaming society, feminism and women for their situation’ and fewer incels start to relate (some are on the fence). Then the next ingredient could be ‘using really derogatory language, narratives and ideas to describe women’ and then fewer incels again relate. And then other elements get thrown in such as use of violence against women, rape, suicide, racism, homophobia, transphobia etc etc and fewer incels still relate or some are on the fence or some switch backward and forward. So at the end of baking this messy and pretty toxic cake, not everyone actually wants a bite.
So the issue sort of becomes, the rest of the world who aren’t involved in the cake making process or know all of the individual ingredients just see the finished product and it’s not good. This is a tricky one because the first ingredients are actually really sympathetic and let’s be honest, lots of non-incels would be able to relate in part to them because life is pretty lonely and hard for a lot of people and lots of people struggle to date, find friends and feel confident socializing. However, this gets lost very easily in the mix up with everything else. One surefire way to truly lose any sympathy from people en masse is to be hateful, hostile and violent. People might still have some sympathy and the ones who are just those super good and patient kinds will be able to see through the harshness and sympathize with the pain but it becomes more difficult. The other thing is that while it’s easy enough (or not as difficult) to sit down with someone in the same room and get through those tough walls and really find that empathy and connection, it’s so hard to nearly impossible to do that with strangers online.
The issue is not that people wouldn’t feel empathy for incels, it’s that the sympathetic ingredients get mixed up in the other stuff. And sure, people who seem the most aggressive and hostile are often the ones who need the most support but it’s also really super hard to be supportive, or hear people out truly via quick and fleeting online interactions where you don’t know why people are acting the way they are and the way they’re acting is hateful and sometimes pretty gross. The instinctual reaction to hostility, aggression and hate is often disgust and to return the hostility. There’s a drive that people have to stand up for themselves and others against an attack and it’s hard to see pain if its wrapped up in hate or aggression.
Calling Andrew Tate and others incel
It might make no sense to some people why people are making the obvious mistake of calling men who obviously, or seem to, have sex incel. It’s not because they actually think these guys haven’t had sex or aren’t having sex (though who knows), it’s more that these guys will talk about topics relating to sex and women in a way that’s gross and it’s the attitude towards sex that people link to incels and then leveraging the bas situation to insult as well. The attitude overrides the baseline situation or individual circumstances. It’s not important to them that Tate or those have sex, it’s knowing that what would hurt these guys the most is the accusation that they’re not. It’s finding their Achilis heel and going for it. If Tate is talking non stop about how much he has of this thing, making that his whole personality, and screaming insane things about women and sex, then the obvious insult is to say he’s not actually having this thing. And unlike money, which you can prove to have or not, you can’t actually prove to be having sex especially online (unless you do something insane and weird). A woman just saying she slept with Tate proves nothing (he’s rich, he could have paid her to say it), him standing next to twenty women proves nothing (same thing).
The term incel is being used more and more to mean ‘misogynist’ and ‘man who’s angry about women’s sexual freedom’ and that’s partly from just general far-right grifters like Fuentas associating with incels and a lack of a term to actually define guys who like Andrew Tate and the Redpill (redpillers is sometimes used) and because blackpill forums and YouTube influencers are probably the most extreme in their actual language and most overt. Basically, the label incel has shot into the mainstream and honestly, the PR was never there from the start to make it sympathetic (there were probably moments where it might have been, but overall the general label has had negative connotations from the start). Also, if we do think about how misogynist incel culture seems to match a lot of Tate’s narratives around women, it doesn’t take too long to make the association. People just aren’t going to be spending too much of their time researching the nuances and differences, especially not in this fast paced information economy, so if there’s an obvious looking connection, it will be made.
Isn’t this just about people hating virgin men?
This is a question I’ve seen and the thing is, I actually don’t think so. I think guys who are virgins and incels don’t have to be conflated.
But incel literally describes virgin men?
Incel technically doesn’t do that. It stands for ‘Involuntary Celibate’, it technically doesn’t have to be a man who is a virgin, that’s a sort of new thing that’s been brought in, it used to just mean guys who had issues getting into relationships and having sex. At one stage it said you can be incel if you haven’t had sex in six months so…
Also, like with the cake situation, there are virgin men who wouldn’t define themselves as incel, not because they’re not having issues dating or don’t feel lonely, but more because they don’t like the cake.
But ultimately don’t people still use virgin as an insult against misogynist men, basically saying that all misogynists are virgins and all virgins are misogynists?
This one is tricky because intuitively, everyone is aware that there are plenty of misogynist men who date so it is unfair that it seems like by using incel to describe misogynist men, that the implication is that if you can’t have sex, then you’re a misogynist. I get that, it’s annoying. However, I’ve mostly seen people use incel as a slur or a comeback if the person is talking about women, dating and sex in a toxic way. I don’t think they’re thinking that the virginity is the issue, it’s the attitude they’ve seen in incel narratives, spaces and takes. So basically, it’s not the original situation, or the first ingredients of loneliness, feeling ugly, feeling down that they’re thinking about but the other ingredients which are more of the theories of why that situation is so. It’s not being a virgin, it’s the attitude around dating, sex, society and women that people are attacking with the term. So people will label Tate an incel not because they think he’s a virgin (they know he’s not), or even really because they think he’s not having sex, it’s his attitudes to sex, women and society which they see match up with what they’ve heard and seen in incel spheres.
However, caveat, going back to how the term ‘virgin’ has been leveraged against men in the past, there would be some who would still do it but… that kind of insult is dying out even in schools. There was a weird moment in Euphoria where someone used that insult against a female and people online talked about how weird that was, and the writer of that show is from the 90s, so there is a culture shift. Like how the word ‘f*g’ is being used less and has also lost some of its edge. It also depends culture to culture. In one culture, an insult based on someone’s sexuality and gender will have more meaning and real damage associated with it, but in another it won’t be as bad (but still a bit bad).
To be incel or not to be or something…
I really recommend not using the term incel to describe yourself if you don’t like the cake. It’s shit to feel like your situation, feelings and thoughts are being listened to, or worse, viewed as toxic because they’re so mixed in with other really toxic things. Unfortunately, changing hearts and minds around the label might not work for the most part. But also, it’s really important to try to separate yourself from the label mentally, especially if you’re online a lot, because heavily associating with the label can also leave you open to attack. Because if you start really seeing yourself as incel and make that a part of your self perception but you don’t like the full cake, you may start feeling like people are attacking you and forget that they’re not, they just don’t see the flour in the cake (you’re the flour), they might know it’s there but all they can really taste is the poison fruit.
And while a person may take part in some parts of online incel culture, like chatting or occasionally reposting funny Chad memes because they’re ridiculous and dark humour is how we survive the apocalypse, that doesn’t actually mean they have to use the term incel in their online or irl life and they don’t even have to see themselves as fully incel even if the base situation applies. Like, if you’re not all of the cake and you don’t like the cake but like some ingredients, that’s okay. And talking about those parts you do relate to with people you can trust, or in spaces that are welcoming, without associating with the label is one way to actually genuinely be heard and connect. It’s okay to not martyr yourself for a cause to reclaim a word that may just cause you more unwanted stress and anxiety. The thing about the term incel is that it’s also changeable, it’s a situation, it can change. Also, by removing the label and just seeing the situations, it can feel easier to change and also to speak out. People can actually understand and relate to the first layer of that cake, and if they can’t, well, that’s something about them and their issues. But also, don’t make the term incel who you are, think of the other parts of you and put them ahead, like your interests, your personality traits, your passions, because honestly, and we should all know this by now- we’re so much more than our sexual and romantic status or history.
I know, madness.